I had a dream last night about someone who wronged me. I woke up with such bitterness in my soul for this person. "I hope they suffer" I thought to myself. I wished they did not heal and stayed miserable for what they had done to me. Then I caught myself. Whoa, I do not want to be that ugly sour miserable person to think that ill will on another regardless of the history I have with this person. I choose to fill my life with light, love, happiness, healing, and joy and I choose to do that in every aspect of my life. How can I forgive this person? How do I send them love and truly mean it? Then, I had the thought that if I wished them misery and they were miserable the cycle of them hurting others would continue and I allow a black ooze of bitter resentment to fester in my heart. on the other hand, if I wish them to be loved and to love and they find that in their lives the cycle breaks and the world has more love in it. Still, the question of how do I forgive that person for what they have done? Wanting them to be loved and to love can be hard but forgiveness can be even harder. The thing is I thought I had forgiven them. Several times I thought I had forgiven this person or another person from my past then out of the blue I have to face an ugly side of myself where an unhealed bit of bitterness lashes out in thoughts towards the person of my past. Always thinking I have forgiven them why am I lashing out in hurt and anger? The bitterness is out of character for me. It is not like me at all. Where does it come from? Why is it here? Why is this bitterness so vicious and so vile? It comes from pain, past hurt that is ready to be healed. Forgiveness is a winding road that takes time to travel not an elevator you press an "I forgive you" floor and be there waiting for you when the doors open.
Bitterness is not the only emotion brought into motion around forgiveness there is fear, anger, hatred, sadness, grief, pain, trauma, and so on and so forth but bitterness is the most long-lasting flavour of the taste of forgiveness. Bitterness lingers and does not become absorbed into the system. If you forgive and are still bitter your forgiveness does not fill the depth of the wrongdoing done to your soul and you will continue to need to forgive at different points along your timeline. Your bitterness swallows your forgiveness little by little until you need to forgive again and do not know how. How do you resolve your bitterness? Ideally by not allowing yourself to become bitter in the first place. Let it go. Release it to a higher power and no longer carry it with you. Do you want to be bitter? Do you like yourself when you are bitter? Do you want to stay bitter? Does being bitter benefit you? Forgive, live, and let live. Take what you like and leave the rest. Forgive for you, not for them. Live lighter, more filled with love, and free of the weight of the past. You are worth feeling your forgiveness fill your heart and be freed from your bitterness.